Monday, December 29, 2008

History of Man

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. But some of the these women later evolved back to near-males and joined NOW. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, group share, politically correct speak, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives cam e to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud and Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military – especially helicopter pilots, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Terrorist Patriotic Micro Chip

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God. It comes in various sizes:

Terrorist Patriotic Micro Chip

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

The Marines

Salty Peanut

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty .

Thursday, December 25, 2008

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning
Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda


And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
0A There was no email!!
We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the
damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! < /div>

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called
they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent,
you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'.
Your guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide
to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel
and there was no
Cartoon Network either ! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday morning.
Do you Hear what I'm saying !?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves - if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

Saturday, December 13, 2008

A guy walks into the doctor's office

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've

bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou

hehehelp me?'



The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going

on.' So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem

is.'



The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'



The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and

all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'



The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'



The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter

one.'



The guy says, 'Dddo it!'



The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into

the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't

stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My

wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care

if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'



The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Eye test

Can you spot the 44th President?

44th president eye test

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I Love Country Music

April 15th - right around the corner

Draft copy of the 2008 IRS Form 1040 - (Click Image to Enlarge)

Draft copy of the 2008 IRS Form 1040
(Click Image to Enlarge)

Amazing New Skyscraper Escape Method.

This is amazing. If we had this on 911, thousands of lives could have been saved. I hope America steps it up in the future.

video