History of Man

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. But some of the these women later evolved back to near-males and joined NOW. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, group share, politically correct speak, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives cam e to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud and Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military – especially helicopter pilots, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

Terrorist Patriotic Micro Chip

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God. It comes in various sizes:



The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

The Marines

Salty Peanut

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty .

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning
  Uphill... barefoot...
  BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda


And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,

there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!
 
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy!   I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
 
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
0A There was no email!!
We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the
damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! < /div>

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called
 they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! 
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent,
you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'.
Your guy was a little square!
 You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide
to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel
and there was no
Cartoon Network either ! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday morning. 
Do you Hear what I'm saying !?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves - if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
 
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd        

A guy walks into the doctor's office

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've

bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou

hehehelp me?'



The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going

on.' So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem

is.'



The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'



The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and

all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'



The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'



The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter

one.'



The guy says, 'Dddo it!'



The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into

the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't

stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My

wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care

if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'



The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

Rejected eHarmony Application

Eye test

Can you spot the 44th President?

Bush Prepares for Obama Inaugural

I Love Country Music

April 15th - right around the corner

Draft copy of the 2008 IRS Form 1040 - (Click Image to Enlarge)


(Click Image to Enlarge)

Amazing New Skyscraper Escape Method.

This is amazing. If we had this on 911, thousands of lives could have been saved. I hope America steps it up in the future.

New Air Force 1

The Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.





At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

The Ultimate Post-It Note Office Prank

Everyone needs some Awwwwww. (cute pics)

AND ONE MORE.............................
She is pregnant, he had just saved her from
a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying
her out of the house into her front yard,
while he continued to fight the fire.

When he finally got done putting the fire out,
he sat down to catch his breath and rest.

A photographer from the Charlotte , North Carolina newspaper, noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.

He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.

As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer snapped this photograph.

Scroll down for photograph.

And people say animals are dumb

Don't Kick the Cat!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores." Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either!

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men Joke

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total $4,145.00
(But you know the job was done right!)

BMW Hits Deer at 140mph

Driving on the autobahn in Germany at 140mph in his BMW Z4,
the driver hit a deer. The deer disappeared...The driver stopped
and wondered, where did the deer go.......???

Scroll Down.... and look at the grill on the LH side, it went in through that.......

For all you deer hunters, this is how you pack a 150lb deer into a BMW Z4 convertible....

THE 2ND AMENDMENT

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. (waiting for attack)

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.


1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?'
'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.
She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

How to fail tests with dignity!